I came hurriedly down the stairs, fumbling with my shoelaces as I tried to tie them while pausing in between, there was an aroma of hot pancakes and vanilla in the air and my mouth watered at the familiar smell. My feet halted when my gaze met with a pair of blue cold eyes of my mother, she was standing in the center of the kitchen with a spoon filled with batter and my sister who was sitting across from her at the dining table, turned to look at me and smirk, I tried not to flinch.

“Have a seat, Becky, and have some breakfast.” Her voice is devoid of emotion as she resumes her work and breaks the spell that has frozen me on the spot. From the corner of my eyes, I see my sister sending a malicious grin my way challenging me with her stare.

“umm, no thanks. I will just eat in the cafeteria at lunch.” I hate myself for my cowardice but I am not ready for a full session of how-I-am-the-disappointment-for-my-family, first thing in the morning. I won’t be able to stomach the food anyway.

My mother gave a nod, dismissing me from her presence and I turned without looking at my sister who I am sure has a victorious grin on her beautiful face.

I came out of the house, the cold breeze feeling good on my skin but there was a heaviness in my heart as I took small steps to the bus stop. As I walked away, my mind felt clearer and I could breathe again. It has always been the three of us in our home since my father passed away when I was a kid and as it happens in a group of three people, one is always alone. In our home, the odd one was me. I have known that I was different from the two of them without being told so, as it had been clear from the way how differently we spoke and acted. My mother and sister were the epitome of beauty and had a touch of feminine grace that was a direct gift from god. I had always been the nerd, the sore thumb that sticks out wherever it went. But we used to be content.

Now there was a hostility that had resided in our hearts. It all started when past year, I failed my midterms and became the joke of school after I made a spectacle of myself on the tryout for the school play. My sister took the insult to her heart and forbade anyone to speak about the incident, being the popular girl helped her achieve that goal, but she also made me the outcast.

The few friends I had slowly left me and my home became just a place to crash, as the bus horn got me out of my thoughts I strode towards it.

“How is your sister doing?” I asked my eldest as I saw Becky leave without eating again, knowing how easily she gets riled up I never pushed her for anything. Keeping my voice low and steady to not startle or trigger her in any way. She has always been a shy kid and the sweetest soul that I keep trying to protect.

“Not good, mum. I taught those bullies a lesson who were trying to mock her and they stopped but Becky has been shielding herself more and more. I talked to one of her friends and they told me she has been rejecting their invites for hangouts and doesn’t respond to the messages. I… I am sorry, mum. You know how she gets defensive, so I can’t even approach the topic with her.” Gina said the last words with a hitch in her voice and I reached my hands to soothe her.

Gina became too mature after my husband died and I sometimes wish, she could loosen up a little, act according to her age, and have some fun. But she is similar to me in that way, maybe that is why I could understand her better. We both shielded Becky as much as we could after David, she was too young when he died. And even though she had always been reserved, she used to share things with us. But lately, she seemed to be slipping out of our hands like sand.

“I got to go as well. Bye, mum. And please take your medicine. You are stressing yourself way too much.” Gina took her scooter keys and left after kissing my cheeks. Becky had put her feet down when I suggested both the sisters go together to their school when I bought the bike on Becky’s birthday. But she refused to budge and because I couldn’t return it, Gina ended up being the one who uses it now. All my efforts to bring my children together seem to drive them further apart. I sigh as I pick the left batter to keep in the fridge. I made pancakes today because that is Becky’s favorite and I remember how she used to gobble them down in a minute while laughing at one of David’s silly acts. If David was alive, would it have been different, is he ashamed of me and the way I am letting my youngest child down? the cold air of the refrigerator soothes my muscles as I open it but there is a heaviness in my heart as I close it and walk back.