Lizzi is still in bed, sleeping peacefully. I stroke her hair once and she sighs in her sleep and I smile to myself. But as I turn and come down from the bed, my feet touching the cold floor I am punched by the reality of what we have done, what I have done, and the dilemma I must face of what I will do now.
I splash cold water on my face but it does nothing to soothe my heart, a vibrating sound comes back from the room and I hurry over to pick up my cell phone before Lizzi wakes up.
A bile rose up my throat as I read the message from my brother.
“Hey! I am stuck here for a few more days. Could you please check with Lizelle and ask if she needs anything? Is she still pissed at me for coming to this conference on our first-year anniversary and our fight last night?”
My brother Nithin, and Lizzi had an arranged marriage a year back and neither of them was happy about it. My brother had been vocal about his displeasure. He and Lizzi were polar opposites and they wanted different things from life but our parents were adamant.
And after a lot of emotional and verbal fights, they both tie the knot. Our families and I genuinely thought that things would smooth over with time, but it only turned worse.
Nithin hated how outgoing Lizzi was and he considered her irresponsible while Lizzi hated how controlling Nithin was in every aspect of their life. Nithin had asked me to talk to Lizzi because being closer to her in terms of age, I understood her wish to exploring things and wanting to have a life outside the confinement of a house, and being Nithin’s brother I got his point as well. That with time, we need to focus our priorities. It was an uneventful day when my parents and Nithin decided it was a good idea to give me the responsibilty to mend the bridge between Nithin and Lizzi. And that’s how I become the third wheel of a vehicle that could die any minute.
If I am being honest with myself, I found Lizzi attractive as soon as I laid my eyes upon her but after she got married to my brother I tried my best to create a distance between us but something or other kept forcing us in the same vicinity and each time it becomes more and more difficult for me to remain aloof to the connection between us.
Lizzi also reciprocates my feelings, she seems happier when I visit their house or whenever I talk to her. But it was something unspoken and forbidden that we never dared try to act until last night.
It was their first anniversary and Nithin had to leave for a conference all of a sudden and thus he canceled the party, which Lizzi and I had been planning for months. And it was like a band-aid came off and you could see the scar it was hiding. The facade of their marriage crumble and I was there to witness it all.
Nithin even said he wanted a divorce when he came back and Lizzi accepted the same. My heart felt torn as I consoled her. My conscious tried to warn me as we drank together and our walls were slowly crashing but I couldn’t leave Lizzi in her state, she was inconsolable as she kept saying that it was all a big mistake and that her parents had ruined her life. I tried to resist when she hugged me but then she is pulling me in for a kiss and I was breathing her floral scent and I didn’t have the fight in me to stop her. It was like all my heart’s desires lay exposed in front of me and I finally chose to embrace my desire.
Lizzi stirred on the bed and I turned to face her, my phone still in my hands, a constant reminder of my transgression. I have fooled myself and took advantage of my brother’s trust and love.
No matter how many times a couple fights, they aren’t actually going to be separated. What the heck was I thinking? And even if they do so, what will I do? I slept with Lizzi. Lizzi is my brother’s wife, even if they get divorced she would still be his ex-wife. And she was his wife when I slept with her and there was no come back from this. If my brother knew, it would be over. I can’t talk to him. I don’t know how will I ever face him? How will I ever face my parents?
“Hey!” A small voice pulled me out of my spiraling thoughts and I took in the way she was looking at me with soft hopeful eyes, but her smile vanished as she took in my rigid stature and glassy eyes.
“We did nothing wrong.” Her voice held a conviction that I didn’t feel at all.
“We did nothing wrong, Ajay. Your brother and I were never meant to be together.” She crawled towards me and with every inch she removed between us, I wanted to run and put that many miles. So I wouldn’t see the proof of what I have done.
“Listen to me. No one has to know. No one will know.” She is cradling my hand now and I snatch it away with a jerk.
I couldn’t be near her at this moment and I felt like my breath had come undone. I tried to find my clothes that were in disarray like my life and I wore them in an unfashioned manner.
“Stop freaking out, Ajay. For god’s sake, what is the big deal if we slept together? All you need to do is keep your mouth shut. Nithin and I will get a divorce and then we can do whatever we want as simple as that.” I stopped closing the buttons of my shirt and turned to her and for the first time saw her for who she was it stumped me on how blind I was to ever think that she was beautiful. She looked ugly to me at that moment and I felt a rage pouring out of me in vicious hot rays circling around her and some of it might be visible to her as well because she took a step back.
“It is a big deal,” I said slowly as I strode towards her. “We both did wrong to my brother. He didn’t deserve such betrayal and if you don’t get this then you really are how my brother has always thought you to be. A shameless and selfish…” I stopped myself from continuing and took a deep breath.
“Complete it, Ajay. Complete it. Say what you actually think now that you got what you wanted from me. Now you are suddenly on your brother’s side but you didn’t seem to care about him yesterday or the days before when you continuously told me that I deserve BETTER.” She scoffed at me, and I felt a pang of guilt as I remembered my reckless words. I had said them to comfort her, not because I truly believed them. Surely she understood that?
Her lips curled into a sneer as I remained silent
“Cat got your tongue, now? You all men are the same. I should have known, go on. Go and tell your brother what we did and see what you could accomplish by proving me to be the villain. I don’t care.” She has her hands around her arms like she is controlling herself or protecting herself.
“Go Ajay. I don’t want to see you as well. Get out.” She said and when I didn’t move she shouted once more. “Get the fuck out of here.”
I hastily finished closing all the buttons of my shirt and put on my shoes, Lizzi remained inside the room out of my eyes. Thankfully, I had driven my car yesterday, saving me from the indignity of waiting for a taxi.
But as I opened the door to finally leave this disaster of a mistake, my heart was still as I met the eyes of my brother.
FallenPhoenixFlight 